Make it All Make Sense
by Calculated Artificiality
Summary: Cordano (to come) --- Elizabeth remembers the life she once had... But can she ever regain happiness? And will Robert ever be able to help her to do so? --or is she forever bound to the life death left behind--?
1. Remembering A Life Lost

Kay, well, let me just start out by saying that I (of course) don't own ER. If I did (can you say it with me?) Romano would be alive. Not ONLY would he be alive, but he'd be well... and of course, he'd be with Elizabeth. ::sigh:: If only they would've hired ME to write their shows. But, they didn't... and, I'm not making a cent off of any of this.  
  
Let me also say that I've been on a music kick lately, so, a lot of my stories may be based on songs... you are forewarned. This one is based on a song, but I'll wait to tell you which one it is. You'll see soon enough. Muahahahahaha!  
  
Background information: Mark has died. But in the world I've created there is no Ella. (Sorry, I love children... just not writing about them.) Uh, and Romano never lost his arm. Nor did he die. *grumble grumble*  
  
Here we go....  
  
~Natalie~  
  
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Elizabeth Corday sat staring out the window. She heard the sounds of the rain pelting the window and watched silently as the droplets ran down the window. She had always been an admirer of rain. There was something so peaceful about it, so serene. It made her think of better days, of times when she felt complete. But tonight, the rain took on a brooding presence, and she quickly reminded herself that she hadn't been complete in a long time.  
  
Not since Mark died.  
  
That was the first time in her entire life she'd felt complete happiness. Not when he'd died, of course, but when they were together. Elizabeth stared out the window remembering how much she loved him. How much happier she had been when in his arms, and she couldn't help but smile. It was, indeed, the happiest time of her life. Suddenly everything that had ever gone wrong was forgotten, everything was okay when her and Mark were together. It was as though the world didn't matter. Only what they saw in each others eyes, and that, she remembered, had been everything.  
  
But nothing lasts forever. She had come to realize that.  
  
The saddest time in her life had been perpetual since Mark's death. She never felt alive, she never felt free, and she never felt loved. It was as though the entire world had stopped turning for Elizabeth Corday. And in many ways, she guessed, it had. Mark was the only true happiness that she had ever known...  
  
And now he was the only true sadness.  
  
She sighed as she continued staring out the window. The weather was bleak, ironically matching her disposition. She usually adored such weather, but tonight it was a cold reminder of how her life would never be the same.  
  
She sat in the chair completely silent, listening to the rhythmic sounds of her own breathing.  
  
She was alone.  
  
But in her imagination, she pretended she was with Mark. She closed her eyes and she could feel his arms around her, holding her. He was whispering in her ear, telling her that she was beautiful, and that everything would be all right. And she believed him, because he was there. She felt him bring a hand to her cheek and caress her jaw as she looked deeply into his eyes. She saw the love embedded in his soul there, and she was complete once again. Looking in his eyes she saw the happiness she once knew, and it made her feel whole. She inhaled deeply, pretending she could smell him. That irreversible scent that was Mark Greene. She loved it. She loved him.  
  
But as the grandfather clock chimed signaling 12 O'clock, Elizabeth was brought back to reality in a painful moment where she remembered once again that she was alone.  
  
She knew it wasn't healthy to go on like this, but in actuality, she didn't care. She didn't care how unhealthy it was to pretend that the only thing that had ever made her happy was still here. And she didn't care how many painful realizations she had to go through when she finally realized over and over again that it was all in her imagination. Because for a fleeting moment, she was loved. She was complete. She was whole. And however unhealthy that might have been, didn't matter.  
  
She felt the tears stinging at the back of her eyes, like a million needles pricking the sensitive area. She hated that feeling worst, she decided. Not the moment of crying, not the actual tears flowing, not the sad truth of admitting defeat. No, she hated most of all, the second before the tears came. That burning moment in which one does one's best to hold the tears inside. The one moment when the pain seemed most unbearable. Because one was suffering from two feats at once: The cold hard reality of the pain at hand, and the task of not allowing oneself to cry. Yes, it was in this moment she felt most helpless, and she hated every moment of it.  
  
"Tearless grief bleeds inwardly." She had once read that somewhere, or seen it printed. Where, she couldn't remember.  
  
She knew it was true. If one does not cry, the pain only worsens. But what whomever issued that quote had forgotten is that tearful grief also bleeds inwardly.  
  
Because tears of such pain, such sorrow, that one cannot hold them in mangle the heart. The pain itself does enough of that, but the tears worsen the situation considerably.  
  
But still, she didn't hate to cry. It gave her something to do. Something to think about, something to concentrate on. And if she had nothing to concentrate on, her thoughts would only lead her back to the painful memory of Mark.  
  
And on this rainy night, that was too much to bear.  
  
The forecast for the city of Chicago looked bleak, mirroring perfectly the way of Elizabeth Corday's life: Bleak, hopeless, teary, completely and utterly despondent.  
  
Her only hope was gone. The life she once knew was over, and though she was a brilliant surgeon, there was nothing she could do to resuscitate it.  
  
She remembered once when she had looked to the future for hope. The hope of her and Mark together, growing old, dying. She closed her eyes at that. Death. The inevitability of it frightened her now as she sat in the freezing house once made warm by love.  
  
She now looked to the future with despair, with caution. The only thing that gave her hope was the past, and the life she had once known, but had now lost.  
  
But still, outside, the rain fell down heavy on the streets of Chicago, as people roamed the city. Some happy, some loved, some wonderful, and some, like Elizabeth Corday, completely hopeless.  
  
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There will be more to come.  
  
I know, I know, I have about 6 stories I'm working on. And I was going to try to write the next chapters in either "Invisibility" or "Never Been All Right"... But this had been brooding in my mind since last night (err... this morning at 3:00)... and I just had to get this first chapter out.  
  
Thanks everyone...  
  
Reviews Please... they make me feel happy... and warm and fuzzy inside.  
  
Thanks!  
  
~Natalie~ 


	2. Telling Someone

Nothing's changed in the past few hours... I still don't own ER... I'm still not making any money off of this.... And Romano's still dead. *grumble grumble*  
  
Review por favor!  
  
Gracias!  
  
~Natalie~ ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------  
  
She woke up to the slow pitter patter of rain falling outside. The storm had died down some, but the remnants of the rage from the night previous were still lingering in the chilly air. It was a gloomy day; the clouds covered the sun, so as not a trace of it were able to bear down on the city.  
  
That was so symbolic of her life. She remembered a time when the sun shone freely and brightly, but she knew that it didn't know more. Her sun was made insignificant by the shrouding clouds death had left behind.  
  
But, though Mark's did not, her life had to go on.  
  
She knew he wouldn't want her going on like this, but it was something she couldn't help. When your love dies, your life tends to go with it. He would have understood that, certainly he would have known that there was nothing that could ease the pain.  
  
She was too tired to get herself entirely depressed this morning, so she lazily rolled out of bed and began to get prepared for work. She loved her job. It was her dream job, ever since she was a little girl she had dreamed of being a surgeon. But now, every time she went to the hospital it was filled with memories of better times. She couldn't help that either. Every time she came around a corner she expected to see the love of her life standing there, waiting for her. She didn't care for what, a consult, for dinner, anything, as long as he was there.  
  
But she knew he never would be. They say that dreams never realized cause the most pain, but that's not true. Dreams realized, but unattainable caused the most pain. She had a dream once, and now, her dream was dead.  
  
All the same though faced with sorrow and defeat, Elizabeth was a fighter. She didn't think she could ever be happy again, but she could go on living. And that's what she did really.  
  
Everyone's heard of the people that walk around being empty inside, just going through the motions. As hard as she'd tried to fight it, Elizabeth Corday had become one of those people. She never felt. It was a scary thing. Not knowing if one can feel. It terrified her. She knew she had been able to feel at one point in time, but she didn't know if she could any longer.  
  
But perhaps the saddest part was that she didn't care. She didn't have any desire to feel.  
  
It was a normal day for her. She woke up, and went to work.  
  
She saw the pitied glances directed her way, she knew that they were being given, but she didn't acknowledge them. Pity wasn't what she wanted, or needed. And pity couldn't make her stop hurting. Mark had been dead for over a year, but everyone around her could sense it. She was different now. Love lost had made her someone different than who she used to be. She used to view the world through rose colored glasses... but not anymore. Not here, not in this lifetime again.  
  
She headed up to the OR, desperately trying to escape their seeking glances. She didn't need this today, not after last night. Not after she let herself slip back into the oasis that had become her life.  
  
She sighed as she checked the schedule, nothing important, nothing exciting, nothing new. She went to put her belongings in the lounge and headed out to go scrub in. She opened the door and found that she was alone in the room. She turned on the water and began to lather up her hands. She'd always hated this part. It seemed so monotonous, so boring, and at times, so unnecessary.  
  
But, she did it of course, that was her job.  
  
She heard the door open, but didn't bother to turn her head to see who it was. She already knew.  
  
"Morning Lizzie!" He said quite jubilantly, though there always seemed to be a sarcastic connotation to his tone.  
  
"Good-morning Robert." She said, thankful for the company.  
  
She let out a small laugh and smiled at that. There was a time when she would have never said that about Robert Romano. Being thankful for his company? That would have never happened. But, times had changed.  
  
Times always changed. That's the one thing she'd come to depend on.  
  
"Someone's in a good mood today." He acknowledged, seeing her smile.  
  
"Not particularly" she said "I was just having some quite amusing thoughts."  
  
He considered this for a moment before saying "Well, so long as they weren't about me being naked."  
  
She laughed at this. It was the first time in awhile she had actually wanted to laugh, when it wasn't forced.  
  
"Now now Lizzie, that's not very nice." He teased.  
  
A comfortable silence settled over the room, manipulated only by the sound of the two surgeons scrubbing.  
  
"So, what's wrong?" he broke it.  
  
"Beg pardon?" she asked, taken out of her daze.  
  
"I said you were in a good mood, and you said 'not particularly'. So, what's wrong?"  
  
"Oh, nothing." She lied. What she really wanted to say is 'everything.'  
  
He knew she was lying, she could tell by the way he looked at her. But, he decided not to push it too far, he said instead: "You know Lizzie, I'm arrogant, but not dumb. If you ever need to talk, I'll be willing to listen."  
  
She smiled and nodded, though she didn't think she'd be taking him up on that offer, it was nice of him to suggest.  
  
They performed the surgery and everything went well. Elizabeth was happy she could save someone else's life, even if she couldn't save her own. She hated being depressed. But she had told herself long ago that that's not what she was. She wasn't depressed. She was grieving. She was grieving, that's all she was doing. But every time she told herself that lie, she heard the voice in the back of her head asking her when she was going to stop kidding herself.  
  
She was depressed.  
  
It was odd how the moments of distress could hit her at any given moment. She would be walking down the hall and be completely fine, even on the brink of normalcy, and then all of a sudden, she would think of Mark. She would think of everything about him. His eyes, his lips, his arms, his muscles, his legs... everything.  
  
Such was the case today. She had gone into the lounge to make a cup of coffee when suddenly something triggered her memories of Mark. There was always something around that could do that. She tried her best to control her emotions, not wanting to cry at work, she hated breaking down here most of all. She never wanted anyone to see how much she hurt inside.  
  
But, despite her efforts, the next moment she knew it, she was crying a river of tears trying to mend her broken heart.  
  
She suddenly became aware of a presence in the room, though she hadn't heard the door open. She didn't know who it was, but she tried to control her sobs.  
  
"Elizabeth." It was Romano. He knew she had been crying.  
  
She tried to mask her tears once more, but to no avail. "What?"  
  
He stepped closer to her "What's wrong?" he asked as he sat down in the chair next to her.  
  
She tried to turn away, and she even considered walking away, but she had spent so much time trying to pretend that she was okay, that she was strong, that she felt her control loosen, and before she knew it she was exposing her shattered heart for Romano to see.  
  
"I miss him so much." She stated as the tears flowed down her face. It wasn't much, but it was all she could say, it was the most she'd said in a year and a half.  
  
For awhile he didn't say anything, and she expected him to come up with some cliché that wouldn't make her feel better, it would just be some formality. But then he reached forward and took her hand. "I know you do." She waited for the 'but'.  
  
It never came.  
  
She looked up at him for the first time and made eye contact. What she saw there surprised her. He wasn't going to offer some pitiful advice about moving on. He sat there with tears in his eyes, her pain obviously making him hurt as well. He was, as he had stated earlier, truly there to listen.  
  
There was silence, then: "It doesn't matter where I go or what I do Robert, all I do is think of him. Everything I see reminds me of our time together. I was so happy Robert, and now, I feel so empty."  
  
He was silent still, staring at her.  
  
He said nothing. "I'm sorry" she said "I shouldn't have said..."  
  
"Why not?" he cut her off.  
  
She didn't have an answer.  
  
"I'm sorry this happened to you Elizabeth, I really, truly am. I hate seeing you sad... you of all people should never be sad. But I understand it at the same time. You don't have to apologize to me, and I'm not going to try and make you feel better... but I know that Mark loved you Elizabeth" 'how could he not?' he thought to himself "And he would despise seeing you like this, but that's not what's important. You need to let your emotions out Elizabeth, don't bottle them up." He smiled and squeezed her hand "Happiness is always a possibility Elizabeth. Always."  
  
She knew he was right, about Mark anyway. He wouldn't have wanted her to feel the way she did. She smiled meekly at him and started to say something, but changed her mind. "Thank you." She said, as her pager went off.  
  
Romano sat in the lounge, still. He was worried for her. Elizabeth went home that night, as the storm in Chicago raged. That night, however, she did not think about Mark, or the life she had in her waking hours...  
  
The memory of what once was, though, still haunted her dreams.  
  
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To be continued.  
  
It's not as reflective as the first chapter (thank you Webster82 for your review)... but I can't dwell solely on how horrid Elizabeth feels inside.  
  
Please Review. I would be a very happy girl!  
  
~Natalie~ 


	3. Sorrowful Still

Okay, here we go again... I just want to say that I don't know how many more chapters I will be adding (I don't anticipate it to be too many) I have a specific direction I'm going with this story, so I can't promise you all it will be too long... if it were, it might become [too] repetitive!  
  
(Thanks saved-by-grace for pointing out my error!)  
  
So, here it is: Review it please, it makes me smile!  
  
Make it All Make Sense (Chapter 3)  
  
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A smile is something one often takes for granted. It seems as though humans will always be capable of producing a smile, but Elizabeth Corday had found fault in that assertion. She knew now that a smile was not something that would always be there. She knew because it hadn't been there for her for a very long time.  
  
She could remember nearly all of the times she'd smiled... when she'd been so incredibly happy. But, for the life of her, she couldn't remember when the last time had been. A smile hadn't graced her beautiful face for what seemed like an eternity. Sure, she had given small smiles of acknowledgement, but she hadn't truly and genuinely smiled in over a year.  
  
She didn't have the strength to smile. But mostly, she didn't have the desire. The truth, quite frankly, is that Elizabeth saw nothing to smile about.  
  
She recalled her childhood, growing up she had been so happy, so idealistic, so... naïve. She had smiled carelessly, blissfully unaware of all the pain and despair around her. Death, though sad, didn't seem to be finality. She'd lost loved ones before, of course, aunts, uncles, grandparents, but it always seemed as though it wasn't over. She missed them on occasion, but generally, she didn't think of them on a daily basis. And, she guessed, it was the same with everyone. When it comes to death, everyone has their moments when they think of a loved one that has passed on, and they have a good cry.  
  
Elizabeth had been crying for more than a year.  
  
She never seemed to be the weak type, the type to just break down. But, love had changed her. Mark had changed her. There wasn't a day that went by that she didn't think of him, how he made her laugh, how he made her smile, how he made her feel loved, and wanted, and complete, and whole... how he'd made her feel. Just plain and simple. How he'd made her feel.  
  
Before Mark Elizabeth didn't know if she could feel. Truly, and honestly feel. She'd never been one to hold on to relationships, or be sad when they came to an end. But, as it were, Mark had changed her.  
  
And even through his death, he had changed her. He had made her feel. In fact, he had made her feel more than she'd ever wanted to in her entire life.  
  
She hated it.  
  
But she loved him. And that was why she was torn up inside.  
  
The morning after her conversation with Robert was a cloudy day, with remnants of the storm before looming outside in the still air.  
  
It had felt... relieving to tell someone what was in her heart. It had been nice to finally let someone see her cry, to allow someone else to view her pain.  
  
Why it had been Robert, she didn't know. All she knew was that though he was seen as a dispassionate man, hell-bent on making everyone miserable, he was also, at times, an exceedingly nice man, and a good friend.  
  
Robert was a nice man, she had come to decide.  
  
She was both pleased and disturbed when she realized that her thoughts had turned away from Mark, but she was somewhat disturbed at the realization that they had veered towards Robert.  
  
The truth was: Elizabeth wanted to move on. She wanted to be over Mark, and she knew that wherever Mark was now, he wanted her to be over him. But though it was what her heart, and her soul desperately desired, she was unable to even imagine being with someone else. It frightened her to no end.  
  
She had been clinging to the hope that perhaps it was all a dream... that maybe some mistake had been made, and Mark would be there waiting for her when she got home. She always felt the tears return to her eyes as she entered the house, and came to the realization that Mark wasn't there, and that he never would be again.  
  
Her heart always ached as she walked alone into the house that death had left so empty.  
  
She struggled with her routine every single morning as she awoke from dreams of Mark and his wonderful love. The illusion her dreams created always sent a pang of suffering into the depths of her soul. And she generally started her mornings off in tears, the painful reverie of a wonderful life broken by the twinge of reality.  
  
Reality. She had come to hate it. Despise it with every fiber of her being. It was the only thing that told her she could never again be with Mark.  
  
But though the clouds loomed in the morning stillness, the day after she shared her pain, the rain was held in. And so were Elizabeth's tears. Her life was still bleak and miserly, but the rain of tears that flowed freely from her eyes each morning was held at bay.  
  
Hope was something that still eluded both her, and the sun in the Chicago sky. She couldn't hold onto something that wasn't there, and she had come to know that there was no hope. She didn't think there ever would be again.  
  
So she did what she did every single day since Mark's death...  
  
She woke up.  
  
She cried.  
  
She got ready.  
  
She cried.  
  
She went to work.  
  
She cried.  
  
She came home.  
  
She cried.  
  
She went to sleep.  
  
She cried.  
  
It was an endless cycle of despair, made even more sorrowful by the desire she had to let go. She wanted so badly to let go, but her mind, her body, her soul, her brain, and her shattered heart made her hold on. The mechanics of her surgeon's body weren't acquainted with reality.  
  
Reality was something she didn't want to face.  
  
But everyday when those tears rolled endlessly down her cheeks, she faced it. With every fiber of her being she faced it.  
  
And, like the sun in Chicago's skies, the clouds continued to bear down on her life.  
  
And the idea of hope became even more distant with every passing day...  
  
Over and over again she was spiraling into nothing.  
  
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To be continued.  
  
There should really only be about two, possibly three chapters after this... if y'all want it to continue...  
  
But, in order for me to know what y'all want, you have to tell me.  
  
In short: Review... it makes me laugh and cry with joy! : )  
  
Anybody figure out the song yet? Huh, huh, huh? (You shouldn't have, I haven't given many clues.) But if you think you know... SHHHH.... And E-mail me with your guess! : )  
  
Review Review Review!  
  
~Natalie~ 


	4. A Way to Ease the Pain

Make it All Make Sense (Chapter 4)  
  
Here it is... give me a little review!!!  
  
~Natalie~  
  
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Elizabeth woke with the lazy sun peering over the horizon. It was another day. Another day without Mark. She sighed and rolled over, so she wouldn't have to look at the sun.  
  
Elizabeth was tired. Not literally, but figuratively. She was tired of feeling helpless, tired of feeling hopeless, she was tired of feeling. Period. She was just tired of feeling.  
  
She desperately wished that she could go back to the time when she felt nothing, when she didn't know if she could feel. When she was just a body floating thorough space and life with no apparent purpose. But Mark had awakened her, in every sense of the word. When she was with Mark, she was alive, she felt it. When before, she couldn't even tell if she truly was alive, or if it was just an illusion her mind created.  
  
Mark had changed her.  
  
But she was tired of never being happy, of never being satisfied. She was tired of the hole in her heart that constantly ached and begged to be filled. She was tired of the lonely nights and sullen days. She was tired of her soul crying out for someone to hold on to. She was tired of her spirit lagging, and her mind being unable to concentrate. She was tired of feeling as though she felt nothing.  
  
Because, she did. She felt everything; in volumes she felt pain, sorrow, grief and sadness. She felt all those things, yet at the same time, it was as though she couldn't feel anything. These emotions had left her so empty inside that she wasn't sure they truly existed save for the excruciating pain she felt in the depths of her soul as she lay alone at night.  
  
Elizabeth was tired of being empty.  
  
She thought she could fill the void with thoughts of Mark, but the temporality of this fulfillment became to be not nearly enough. She needed more, she wanted more. She had convinced herself that after Mark's death her life was over, but she had forgotten that she had to go on living. And she couldn't live like this: from day to day, wondering when it's going to be over, when the pain will subside.  
  
She had to make the pain subside. Or so she thought. That would be the only way to put an end to the hopelessness that invaded her being every day, and the depression that pervaded her soul every night.  
  
But she didn't know how to make the pain subside. How could she make her life right again? She couldn't replace Mark, she knew that. He was her kindred spirit, her soul mate.  
  
Sometimes, in her darkest dreams, she wished she'd never learned what it was to be in love and have that love returned.  
  
Maybe then she wouldn't be so empty inside. Maybe then she wouldn't be so hurt. Maybe then she'd be okay.  
  
But she wasn't. She wasn't okay, she was hurt and she was empty inside.  
  
She had to find a way to make it end.  
  
But, for the time being, she had to go to work. She begrudgingly got out of bed and prepared for another day at County General.  
  
She entered the hospital with chaos surrounding her, a situation to which she had become accustomed to over the years. The chaos used to excite her, used to make her work with such fervor. But now, it did nothing for her. It was just a part of the job that had to be dealt with.  
  
Because the truth was: Mark's death had changed her outlook on everything. So much so that she couldn't function properly any longer. There wasn't a day that had gone by where she hadn't thought of him, and occasionally, though she hated to admit it, she hated him. She hated him for leaving her alone like this, suffering.  
  
She headed up to the surgical floor and entered the lounge. Robert Romano was sitting there reading the paper.  
  
She considered him for a moment. He was her only friend. He was the only one that cared about her; he was the only one that gave a damn about her life. She remembered a time when she'd hated him, despised the man to no end. But, somehow, things had changed, and he had become her friend, and she, his.  
  
She smiled at him softly as he looked up. He stared at her concernedly "Morning Lizzie, how are you?"  
  
She gave a small smile and answered him: "I'm fine." She lied.  
  
"No, Elizabeth, I really mean it: how are you?"  
  
He knew her so well. "I'm all right, no better, no worse." She answered again, honestly this time.  
  
"Thank you." He said simply.  
  
This confused her, and she looked at him questioningly "Thank you for what?"  
  
"For confiding in me." He replied. She looked puzzled, still, and said "You're welcome."  
  
He put the paper down and looked at her. "I know how hard it is for you to do that." He said tenderly.  
  
At this, she came and sat down across from him at the table. She was about to speak, but he continued: "We're the same type of people, Elizabeth. Both of us were taught to be strong at an early age, to be independent. We were taught that it was never okay to cry, and more importantly never okay to let anyone else see us cry."  
  
She looked at him. He was right, of course. She had been taught to do that. Even though Mark had changed her, he hadn't been able to erase completely that which she had been taught so early on.  
  
Romano continued "But, Elizabeth, you must know by the fact that I'm speaking this openly, that you never have to be ashamed to cry in front of me, and you never have to think twice before confiding in me. I will always be here for you." He said "Always."  
  
Tears began to form in her eyes, as she reached and gently grasped his hand. She tried to form words, but they would not come.  
  
"You don't have to say it, Elizabeth. I know that's hard for you, too."  
  
She smiled and squeezed his hand "Thank you." She said in a voice so small she hardly recognized it. "Thank you, Robert." She said looking into his eyes. She had so often seen coldness there before, bitterness of a stubborn, powerful man, but now, all she saw was tenderness.  
  
She wondered when he had become her confidant, but decided that it didn't matter. She had told him everything: how she was feeling about Mark, the pain she felt inside, and he had listened. And even further, he had understood. She wouldn't have believed such a feat years ago, but now, the man sitting before her, was kind. He was a friend.  
  
He understood her.  
  
It seemed so amazing to her. As a little girl, she had always believed that no one could understand her. As a teenager, she became convinced of the fact that no one would ever understand her. She had come to terms with her, though somewhere inside, she had always secretly longed for someone to understand the depths of her soul.  
  
Mark had understood.  
  
But, even so, she had always felt as though there were this small corner of who she was that Mark would never be able to understand, that he could never comprehend what she felt so deep inside. And she didn't think that he ever had, but she had accepted that. Because Mark understood her more than anyone she had ever met.  
  
But now, sitting here with Robert Romano, she became aware of the fact that he understood her wholly. He understood why she felt what she did, and why she acted the way that she did.  
  
It scared her that the light had been shed on her dark corner, but she was relieved. She had a friend. And even more so, she had a friend that understood her completely.  
  
She didn't need to explain to Robert what she was feeling, because she felt as though he already knew. As though he could see into her soul. The numbness that pervaded her soul still existed, and she was frightened that he knew it. And when she chanced another look in his eyes, she was sure of it.  
  
Suddenly, she thought of a way to ease the pain.  
  
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To Be Continued.  
  
So... give me a REVIEW, kay? Kay. Thanks!!!  
  
Everyone, hope I pass my AP English Lit Exam tomorrow (May 6th, 2004)... it's worth 6 college units... I need a three on it. But my English teacher says she'll be surprised if I get anything less than a 4, so let's all hope I don't disappoint her, kay? Thanks!  
  
~Natalie~ 


	5. Invitation

Here's Make it All Make Sense: Chapter 5!... Review it, kay? Kay. Sorry I've not updated lately, I've been studying for my AP tests (Government Wednesday, and Micro and Macro Economics on Thursday.)...  
  
My Lit test went well, I think. Three 5 paragraph essays in an hour and twenty minutes, blehk. Anyway... Review!! : )  
  
Natalie  
  
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Elizabeth took a deep breath as she tried to push the thought out of her head. But no matter what she did, the thought kept making its way back to the front of her mind. Something told her to do it.  
  
Something told her that this would make everything okay. Something told her that this would take the pain away. Something told her this would erase the memories that haunted her days. Something told her this would cease the haunting dreams that filled her nights.  
  
Somehow, somewhere, she knew that it wouldn't fill the void, that it couldn't, not yet anyway. But she didn't care. Desperation had pervaded her being, and she needed to try something, anything, to make her feel whole again.  
  
So she listened to the voice of loneliness and ignored the one of reason.  
  
As she sat there looking at Robert who was looking at her with such understanding, she began to speak tentatively: "Robert, um, do you think perhaps you'd like to come over tonight... for dinner?" She questioned.  
  
He wanted to, Lord knows he wanted to, but he didn't think that was the best idea, and he voiced that to her: "Elizabeth, I don't know that that's such a good idea." He said. She was vulnerable.  
  
But the inner desperation she felt flowed into her voice as she spoke to him, breathing a single word: "Please."  
  
He wanted to refuse, to tell her no, but he heard the desperation in her voice, and he saw it in her eyes.  
  
"Okay." He said quietly, finally giving in.  
  
They both knew she needed something; their perceptions differed as to what it was.  
  
She smiled at him, as a wave of relief and nervousness washed over her.  
  
"Thank you." She said simply, finally releasing his hand.  
  
He simply smiled at her in return before asking "What time are you off?"  
  
She considered the question for a moment, as though she had forgotten, before answering "7:30." She stated, as she began to stand up.  
  
"Me too." He stated "I'll meet you in the ambulance bay, and we'll drive together." He asserted, assuming correctly that she'd taken the El to work.  
  
She paused with her hand on the door and turned to face him with a sigh laced still with sorrow: "Okay." She confirmed as she opened the door. "And, Robert?"  
  
"Yes?" He asked softly.  
  
"Thank you."  
  
She smiled at him as she closed the door behind her.  
  
Robert sat there silently, contemplating what this meant: What this was. His feelings for Elizabeth couldn't be denied, that much was certain. Everyone knew he wanted her. He always had, there was no denying it anymore. Seeing her with Benton had hurt him; seeing her with Mark had damn near killed him.  
  
He'd wanted her. Always. And time and time again, he'd sat back, and watched her love another man.  
  
But yet, he'd never gotten over her. He didn't even imagine that he could.  
  
And now, the door was open. It was his dream coming true. But, was this how he wanted it? Was this how he wanted her?  
  
'What's real is real' he told himself, but still, he fought a battle in his head.  
  
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Elizabeth felt as though she should be feeling relief, and she became increasingly concerned that she wasn't.  
  
Memories of Mark periodically invaded her mind throughout the day, as unwelcome as she'd convinced herself they were.  
  
And Elizabeth kept telling herself that she was moving on. She was moving on, finally, because she was done grieving. But her heart was telling her that she was lying to herself: "Moving on" wasn't the answer. She had to move away from the memory of Mark before she could truthfully move on. But her mind was telling her to ignore her heart: That she would stop grieving when she told herself to, that the pain would go away if she found someone else.  
  
She didn't know which to believe: her heart or her mind.  
  
But in an instant, she made her choice. She was desperate for the pain to go away, and her heart, though it could be right, told her that she'd have to wait for the pain to subside. Her mind, however, offered her the irresistible satisfaction of immediate gratification: Her pain would finally dissolve, or, so said her mind.  
  
So she made up her mind and listened to it.  
  
The day passed quickly for Robert, and slowly for Elizabeth.  
  
Elizabeth usually came home to pervasive emptiness, but tonight, she came home with Robert.  
  
The ride to her house had been quiet enough, filled with pleasantries and tales of the day that had just passed.  
  
Both were nervous, yet both were determined not to let the other know of the discomfort at hand.  
  
As Elizabeth entered her house, Robert in tow, she didn't expect to see Mark standing there, which wasn't usual. But her hopes that he would be hadn't changed. And as she came into the house, Mark's memories came back to her, despite the fact that Mark was the last thing she wanted to think about.  
  
Robert saw her body stiffen as they entered the house, and he voiced his concern "Elizabeth, are you okay?" he inquired.  
  
"Yes, yes, I'm fine." She assured, though it was falsely.  
  
He nodded "Okay." He knew she was lying, but decided not to press it. If she wanted to tell him, she would.  
  
Elizabeth shook her head, as though doing so could erase Mark away from her memory, as though he were simply lines on the etch-a-sketch that was her mind. She closed the door behind her, and took of her jacket, throwing it over the couch.  
  
Robert followed suit, and walked behind Elizabeth as she went to the kitchen.  
  
"So," he began "What's for dinner?"  
  
She turned and smiled at him "Spaghetti okay?"  
  
"Ah, my favorite: Italian."  
  
"Mine too." She said as she began gathering the ingredients from her cupboards.  
  
He walked towards her and stopped at the kitchen sink, where he began washing his hands. "Need any help?" he asked.  
  
"No, thanks, I prefer to cook alone." She said, smiling gently at him.  
  
He nodded, dried his hands, and took a seat at the table. He watched her boil the noodles, and asked her more about her day. They weren't ready for serious conversation just yet, especially when dinner was in progress.  
  
Elizabeth continued making dinner, grateful for Robert's company. They made "small talk", and the thoughts of Mark stayed away, even if only momentarily. She was glad for that, and she was glad for the fact that she was enjoying Robert's company. For once, she wasn't alone.  
  
Perhaps her mind had been right.  
  
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To Be Continued.  
  
Hey... you should review!! Yes, yes, yes, I'm addicted.... But, that's okay, I assure you, it's a healthy addiction!!!  
  
Thanks!  
  
Natalie 


	6. Needing to Heal

Make it All Make Sense—Chapter 5  
  
And what're you gonna do when you're done?? That's right!!!!!  
  
REVIEW!!!  
  
Thanks!  
  
Natalie  
  
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Elizabeth placed the steaming plate of spaghetti in front of Robert, and brought the glasses of water she'd poured to the table.  
  
"Wow," he said appreciatively "This both looks and smells delicious."  
  
"It is." She said, smiling lightly.  
  
She cut the spaghetti on her plate with the fork, and looked into the plate as though it could have all the answers. She wished things were that easy. That she could look into a plate of spaghetti and find the answers to all of her problems. But she knew that she couldn't. In real life there were no crystal balls, there were no second chances.  
  
"What did that spaghetti ever do to you?" Robert asked, noticing her stare.  
  
"Huh?" she said as she was shaken from her thoughts.  
  
"The spaghetti. You're staring at it. I was just wondering what it ever did to you."  
  
She laughed slightly at this before she spoke: "Oh, sorry, I suppose I was spacing out."  
  
He smiled "That's okay, it happens to the best of us. At least you spaced out on a plate of spaghetti and not on an open patient."  
  
That was weird logic, but she followed it "Yes, I suppose that's true."  
  
He lifted his glass of water and took a drink. "I was right—this spaghetti is delicious. I didn't know you could cook."  
  
"You've never asked." She said as though that made all things clear.  
  
"Ah—but on the same note, you never told me."  
  
She tilted her head a little "Yes, and we've spent so much time speaking of my cooking skills, I cannot believe that I forgot to mention it."  
  
"Ah—true." He said as he took another bite of his spaghetti.  
  
Elizabeth felt nervousness. A sense of nervousness that masked her true despair. She liked the façade she was creating, it made her feel like herself again—whomever that may be.  
  
Her concept of herself had changed since Mark, and sometimes she wasn't sure she even knew who she truly was. But here, she had a chance to move on, to move past the memory of Mark, to move on past the lonely nights and restless dreams that left her with no peace.  
  
When she had invited Robert over she wasn't even sure as to what she'd intended. All she'd known was that she wanted—needed—the pain to go away. She felt as though she couldn't live another day with the memory of Mark on her mind.  
  
And now, she was here, with Robert, a man whom she'd previously hated. But he had, she found, come to be there for her—know her even. He had comforted her in the only way she wanted to be comforted, not by false apologies and empty words, but by truthful caring, filled not with words meant to heal, but filled with words meant to help.  
  
Healing was something she'd had playing on her mind for such time, so much so that she wasn't quite sure that she even knew the definition of the word as she perceived it. All she knew was that she desperately craved some form of it—whatever form it may take, it didn't matter, because she'd convinced herself that she needed it to live again. And when she invited Robert over, it was healing she'd had in mind.  
  
In truth, she didn't give a damn if it was right—she didn't care if it was the wrong way to handle the situation. She didn't care because she didn't believe it mattered. In her mind, the only thing that had mattered was gone—forever. Mark was gone and he was never going to return. And now, she was left alone to try to sort through her feelings of depression and desperation. She saw this chance with Robert as a way to heal—as a way to make things right inside of her.  
  
And though she feared that she might have been making a mistake, there was no way she could let herself let this chance slip away. She saw this as the ultimate way of moving on; she saw the situation as her only hope: her only salvation.  
  
And as her mind raced on in this manner, she became aware of Robert's voice, cutting through the silence "...your day?"  
  
"I'm sorry?"  
  
He smiled gently, noticing her wandering mind, and repeated his question: "I said: How was your day?"  
  
She cleared her throat, trying to gather her train of thought "It was relatively uneventful." She stated, still nervous.  
  
"No exciting medical procedure today Dr. Corday?" he stressed the syllables, aware of their rhyme.  
  
She chuckled softly "No, nothing even remotely exciting. And you? How was your day?"  
  
"My day... my day... was worse than yours."  
  
She doubted it. She considered asking him: 'so you spent much of your day thinking about your ex-husband whom is now dead?' but decided against it. Instead, she opted for: "Doubtful, but how so?"  
  
"I spent all day doing paperwork. I didn't step one foot into the operating room."  
  
"Oh, that sounds like a grand time."  
  
"Oh, it was." He stated, laughing slightly "I will say however, that I did kick the paperwork's ass."  
  
She smiled truthfully at that "Did you now?"  
  
"Of course. I might be short, but surely I can hold my own against a stack of paper."  
  
She loved his sense of humor like this. It was gentle, and she enjoyed hearing his jokes, they made her forget the pain she felt inside.  
  
"Right, that is, of course, after the tree has been cut down to make the paper." It was an awkward joke, but he caught it's meaning, and chuckled along with her.  
  
"Hey—Only I can make height jokes." He said, smiling.  
  
"No, I'm allowed to as well." She stated as though it were a rule.  
  
"Fine—but if anyone else says it to my face, I'll make like they're paper and go at em."  
  
She'd not seen him like this—such innocent jokes, free of innuendo. She liked the change, but hoped it didn't stick forever. She liked his sarcasm, though she'd never admit that fact to him.  
  
He was the polar opposite of Mark in every way—yet here she was, with him. It all felt so odd to her, so strange.  
  
They finished their dinner in silence, with the same innocent banter flowing between them freely.  
  
Robert finally stood, and announced that it was time to leave—but Elizabeth didn't want him to go. She wasn't healed, she wasn't fine, she wasn't okay. She didn't want to be alone in this empty house where memories flooded the walls of every hall—she didn't want to be alone.  
  
He was heading toward the door, and she felt something in her snap, in a way, as she made her vocal cords work "Robert, wait."  
  
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Okay, I'd say two, maybe three more chapters left in this one—so review me... I NEED REVIEWS!!!!!!! : )  
  
Natalie


	7. Don't Go

Make it All Make Sense: Chapter 7—  
  
Please Review it.... : )  
  
Thanks!  
  
Natalie!  
  
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He stopped as the rain poured outside, and turned to face her, waiting to hear what she had to say.  
  
She looked at the ground briefly, as though she were considering changing her mind. But she wasn't going to—she couldn't allow herself to do that, no matter what. There was no going back now. "Please, don't go.—stay." She questioned, as she dropped her eyes to the ground, she couldn't meet his gaze.  
  
"Elizabeth.." he paused. He heard the desperation in her voice, but his mind was waging a war. Was this right? It couldn't be—not like this. "Elizabeth...I don't think that's a very good idea." He said, regretfully, looking at her downcast eyes.  
  
She inhaled sharply. She should have known he'd say no. He didn't want to take advantage of her vulnerable state, and she respected him for that. But that's not what she wanted right now. She didn't want respectfulness, she wanted to be okay—she wanted healing.  
  
So she braved a chance look into his eyes, and he saw, with much sorrow, that her eyes were brimming with the glisten of tears not yet fallen. She looked at him almost pleadingly, as she tried to keep the tears in her eyes. She couldn't cry now. She stared at him for a brief moment, before breathing a single word: "Please."  
  
He wanted to stay with her, to help her through her pain. But, at the same time, he didn't. He didn't want to stay because something inside of him was telling him that it wasn't a good idea. He knew he couldn't make everything right—not tonight. He knew he should say no, leave and go home—leaving her alone. But that, he couldn't bear. He didn't want to leave her here, with the desperation imminent, alone.  
  
But, he had to.  
  
"Elizabeth..." he struggled to maintain his composure, his will "Elizabeth—I... I—I... Can't." he stated, as he turned, once again to walk away.  
  
"Robert." She breathed his name. There was so much sorrow in her voice, such desperation "please."  
  
He stopped, once again in his tracks. He couldn't do this to her. He couldn't walk away from her when she needed someone to help her. He couldn't do that to her because he loved her. He never wanted to see her in pain—seeing her after Mark's death was one of the hardest things he'd ever done. And now, here he stood, able to ease the pain for her, and he was on the brink of walking away. He knew the smart thing would be to walk away, it was, really, the only choice he could make. But, he couldn't make it. He couldn't.  
  
And so, wordlessly, he turned around and stepped past her, back into her house. She stood, staring at the spot he'd walked away from, and shut her eyes momentarily, leaning on the door for support. He hadn't walked away. She felt a tear roll down her cheek, and she quickly brushed it away as she shut the door and turned to face him.  
  
He stood there silently, watching her. And she stood there silently, watching him.  
  
She sighed—a mixture of nervousness and relief—and leaned back on the door. She let her head rest against the door as she, again, closed her eyes.  
  
"Thank you." She said softly, not looking at him still—frozen in place, back against the door—waiting for everything to be all right.  
  
What could he say to that? It wasn't 'you're welcome', or 'it's my pleasure.' It wasn't really a 'no problem' kind of a situation.  
  
He took a deep breath, and replied "Anything for you."  
  
At that, her eyes opened, and her head returned to a level position, she considered him for a moment. He was her only friend in the world, and he had just said he'd do anything for her. She couldn't help but smile softly at this fact—she had felt so alone since Mark's death, and here she was, with a friend. He loved her. She knew that—he needed her, too.  
  
She smiled at him, and slowly walked past him into the kitchen.  
  
She cleared her throat, and asked: "So, would you like some coffee?"  
  
"Sure."  
  
She put the pot on, and retrieved two coffee mugs from the cabinets.  
  
She then went to the living room, where Robert had sat down on the couch, and sat down next to him.  
  
He was quiet as she sat down, aimlessly looking around, at nothing. He cleared his throat this time, and chanced a question he'd been wondering all night "Elizabeth... why did you ask me here tonight?"  
  
It was the question she'd been dreading all night. She didn't want to answer it, partially because she wasn't sure why. She just needed someone to be with her.  
  
She sighed, and decided to tell him the truth, to speak from her heart.  
  
"To be honest, I'm not quite sure. All I know is that things have been so...bad since... you know... and I've felt so alone. And, Robert, I didn't want to be alone. I didn't think I could stand another second alone—I needed someone."  
  
Her words made him hurt inside—she had been hurting—she had been alone. "But...why me?" he questioned. He didn't understand why she had chosen him of all people.  
  
"Because you're my only friend in the world."  
  
As the words left her mouth, she fought to hold back the tears, and the tears at bay were evident in her voice as she spoke. As Robert heard these words, his own emotions took over.  
  
He put his hand under her chin and lifted her head so that her eyes would meet his gaze.  
  
"Oh, Elizabeth...I will always, always be here for you." He said as she looked him in the eye.  
  
They lingered for a moment when the sound of the coffee being done broke their gazes. Elizabeth jumped up to pour the coffee, she came back with two mugs, and handed one to Robert. Neither of them drank it, but set it on the coffee table, and sat in silence.  
  
"Robert..." Elizabeth broke the silence "thank you for everything."  
  
He smiled "As I've said before, I'd do anything for you."  
  
"No really, I couldn't have been alone one more day."  
  
"Elizabeth, you've never been alone—I've always been here for you."  
  
"I know." She said "But, not like this."  
  
She looked at him, and he opened his mouth to reply "That's true." He said simply. "But I'd be here, like this, for you anytime."  
  
He saw the tears in her eyes well up again, and he couldn't help but feel a pang in his heart—he hated seeing her cry. "Elizabeth, please don't cry."  
  
"It's just that—I've been searching for something and I don't even know what it is. It's like this... thing that keeps eluding me. And I'm filled with nothing but emptiness and sorrow... except..." she broke off.  
  
"Except..." he prompted.  
  
"Except... when I'm with you. You make me forget how much I'm hurting inside. Robert, you make me forget."  
  
He saw a change in her eyes—a change that could only be described as desire. She leaned closer to him, and he leaned closer to her.  
  
Their lips were so close—he could feel her breath on his lips, and he brought a hand to her face as his fingers caressed her cheek.  
  
It was then that he saw it—however briefly it was there—he saw it. A glimmer of something in her eyes as his fingers touched her cheek. Pain.  
  
There was pain in her eyes as his hand moved across the soft flesh on her cheek. He tore his eyes away from hers, leaving her feeling at loss. And leaving him feeling helpless.  
  
"Robert...what's wrong?" she asked.  
  
"Elizabeth..." he began.  
  
She cast her eyes downward, as a familiar feeling returned to the pit of her stomach. It lurched, and she winced as the old feelings came back to her.  
  
"...Elizabeth—this isn't about me; you don't have to do this for me." He said tenderly. "You know how I feel about you. But...that doesn't matter right now. You're not ready for this." He continued "I'm going to go home." He looked at her, and she met his gaze. "Someday, your heart will let him go."  
  
She started to speak—but he stopped her with his words: "Elizabeth—I can't give you what you need. I can't."  
  
She started to speak but he put a finger over her lips "Shh—you don't have to say anything—I'm not going to be upset about this." He looked at her tenderly "My touch only brings back the pain—the memory of Mark. But someday, Elizabeth, those memories will fade away."  
  
She looked at him—he loved her. He loved her, and he was walking away. He was walking away because he knew that he couldn't make her okay—she had to work things out for herself.  
  
He began to walk away, but stopped, and turned to face her: "As soon as you get that feeling you can start to live again—after you make it all make sense—Run to me. I'll always be here—always."  
  
He smiled at her, and walked out into the rain.  
  
She closed the door and leaned against the back of it for support—she was overwhelmed with emotion—as the tears fell down her cheeks. She slid her body down the door, and sat crumpled on the floor—crying the tears she'd held back.  
  
Robert walked to his car in the pouring rain—he'd done what he had to—to help her. He loved her, and he would always be there—once she decided she could love again—live again, he'd be there. When it all made sense, he'd be there for her—to love her.  
  
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Review... please!!!!  
  
I need to get happy—I can't go to Spirit West Coast because I have a scholarship banquet... and I'm very sad about that.  
  
Please review this... so that I can smile!  
  
Thanks!!!  
  
Natalie! 


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